WHEN BITTEN BY THE LAZY BUG

I’m in no mood to work today. So, rather than browsing the internet aimlessly, I thought I might as well channel the energy into updating the blog for a change.

Pregnancy update:
I’ve reached 20 weeks! Woo-hoo!!! However, despite the joyous mood, I can’t help but being a worry wart. I still fear that things might/ can go wrong. After the string of dramas during my first trimester, I realize how easy it is for things to go wrong and it’s not always within my control.

“Welcome to mommyhood”, exclaimed Mel. “You’ll never stop worrying. In fact, you’ll worry about your kid(s) for the rest of your life”.

Are you kid-ding me?

How very comforting. But then again, I’m beginning to see the truth in what Mel said. Funny how I get so wrapped up over matters that relate to the little beanie that’s growing in utero. The blood test came out recently. All looked good. Was a bit worried about the Down syndrome test. Alhamdulillah, result has shown that little beanie is on the low risk.

My current paranoia? Movements. I know it’s a tad early to feel any real movement, but my sis-in-law keeps telling me how she’s getting the flutters from her little one. My little beanie? Almost nada movement. Is that normal? BEM keeps reassuring me that I’ll feel his movements in no time. Quick sayang! Show me some signs! Hehehe…Soon, you’ll discover how impatient your mama can be. Be that as it may, it’s a trait I do not wish you to inherit. I’d rather you have your daddy’s patience and cool temperament. And yes, not to mention his good looks! :p I love his big brown eyes, thick eyebrows and intoxicatingly sweet smile. *Blush*

Every now and then, I poke the growing tummy. Just to irritate the tenant inside. Your mama so evil like that!!! Most of the time, little beanie is too content swimming in the warm amniotic fluid that he could not be bothered to respond. Maybe not yet.

I have another appointment with my wonderful ob-gyn this Saturday. Dr. Michael Samy is heaven sent! He’s ever so patient and accommodating. He’ll entertain all your questions, no matter how silly some of them are. Most importantly, he is not condescending. BEM adores him too.

Hopefully little beanie will cooperate during ultrasound. I want to be able to have a peep at you know what!

Salam Aidilfitri...

GOOD VS. EVIL

“For what is evil but good tortured by its own hunger and thirst?
Verily when good is hungry it seeks food even in dark caves, and when it thirsts, it drinks even of dead waters.” – Kahlil Gibran

Dang! I’d give anything to be able to weave and compose simple words into a masterpiece. But then again, maybe not in this lifetime; the savagery that is capital market has somehow snapped my ability to express in words the juxtaposed thoughts in my head save for those related to work. It drains every iota of energy and creativity out of this aging-faster-than-the-thawing-iceberg body and mind. Many a night, I found myself staring blankly at the screen, not searching but begging for those words that hide between the crevasses in this pea size brain to come out. Whoever told me that “tortured souls make the best poets” must be lying! I’m tortured everyday at work.

And I still have nothing to prove in terms of my literary pursuit (is there one? heh!).

Ok, I digress.

Mr. Gibran makes me think. Sometimes he intoxicates me with his words. Most times, his words touch my soul. Often, he provides form to my emotions. Like these words; I can readily relate to the current happenings. I’m no political analyst and I think we have garnered enough these few months to last us a long time. I’m nothing but a lowly pleb trying to make sense out of this twisted saga (without slandering anybody along the way).

It appears that each camp is out to prove their righteousness and their rejection of whatever that is perceived as evil. Whichever camp they’re in, the opposing camp is always the evil one. Their every move condemned. Their every action deplored. And they’d feel more superior after each time they succeed in portraying the opposing side as evil. It’s a vicious cycle. Will it ever end?

If only we try to see the evil or perceived evil as possibly stemming from a good deed or intention, then perhaps we’d be more forgiving, understanding and not quick to judge. An example; pilferage is wrong. There’s no denying. But would we be more forgiving if we know that the thief steals out of desperation; because he’s hungry or because he’s desperate to feed his brothers and sisters and he has no money to spare? Would we still punish him in the same degree as those stealing due to lack of desire to earn money properly and honestly?

Perhaps the analogy is way too simple but my point is this: if only we see the possible good that precedes the evil, then perhaps we’d be more understanding and forgiving. I must make it clear here; I’m not condoning what is wrong, but I’m merely propagating a more tolerant reaction, maybe not in all, but most circumstances.

By putting evil acts in this perspective, it provides a glimmer of hope for reconciliation and rectification and rather than making evil act appears rather distant from ourselves, we can relate to it. By this I mean we accept that we are all human and we err. Admit it; most of us have this habit of making ourselves appear holier than the rest when faced with a condemning issue. We make every possible effort to show that we are spiritually and morally superior and under no circumstances would we be committing the same hideous or evil act. Our exterior expressions provide the façade that hides the truth; that sometimes, we are no better than the condemned himself. The only difference is that we might be good at hiding the skeletons and no one manages to catch us yet!

Am I making sense at all? All I know is that I’m sick of the bickerings, sick of the slanderous blogs, sick of the media that over-dramatizes everything (negatively!), sick of reporters who think they’re doing great public service by pouring more fuel onto the fire through their writings.

I want to know that there are still good in this country. That despite all our differences, we can still live harmoniously next to each other. I want to be assured that we are not going to end up like the Hutus and Tutsis in Rwanda.

My poor unborn child…

Salam Ramadhan...

LIFE'S CHALLENGES

Blame it on the raging hormone accompanying this pregnancy! The tears keep flowing and for a moment I didn't know how to control the outburst. So I let myself feel the pain and the tears trickling down my cheeks. I tremble uncontrollably. Masyaallah, God is great. I keep reciting the zikir...

Dear RG,

We don't know each other and probably never will. But your faith, courage, and strength have left me ashamed with myself most of the time. Your love for your children and husband reminds this wretched soul not to take her own family for granted. While some others in the same situation would shun the rest of the world and drown in self pity, you selflessly share and provide a glimpse of your life to us. Even in your flailing state, your wisdom shines. For that, I'm forever grateful. You show me what it means to be "redha" and to accept life's challenges as messages of love from Him.

Your posting today makes want to run to BEM immediately. I want to kiss his hand and seek forgiveness from him. Often times, we say and do things that might hurt our loved ones without realizing it. Sometimes it's our ego that gets in the way. At other times, it's our failure to contain our anger. We forget that life is fragile. There might not be another day to say "I'm sorry" or "I love you" to those closest to our heart.

RG,

I pray for your continued faith, strength and courage. I will include you in my doa. That is my only "sedekah" to you.

AUTUMN

As I look through the glass window, I can see the clouds gathering, forming gigantic blurring ripples across the sky. A sure sign of impending heavy burst. The weather today reminds me of those gloomy autumn season when I was in London. Aahhh... how time flies.

Autumn never failed to invoke the melancholy in me. One autumn evening, even as I weaved my way passed the street performers and the flocking tourists in Covent Garden, I couldn't help but felt disconnected from the rest of the world. It's as if I was invinsible and my presence was as good as the wind gushing against those flushed pink cheeks and golden brown hair. The string quartet playing in the background provided perfect halwa for my ears. It's like a befitting theme song for whatever I was feeling inside; emptiness, sorrow, guilt and anger all moulded into one.

There was a scar in my heart and I think it will remain there possibly forever.

I learned to grow up in this city, thousand of miles away from home.

PEA IN A POD

YES! I'm pregnant! Alhamdulillah...