CONVERSATION

BEM is on leave today. I wish I was too. I called him up in the afternoon:

Me: Hi Baby

BEM: Hi Baby. Had your lunch?

Me: Queuing to buy food. Gonna pack and have my lunch at the office pantry.

BEM: Ok.

Me: Why didn't you pick up my call earlier?

BEM: So sorry baby. I didn't hear the phone rang. I was scrubbing the balcony.

Me: Yeah?

BEM: I'll vacuum the floor after this.

Me: Ok baby. Oh, by the way, can you please take out the clothes from the washing machine and dry them?

BEM: Done that already.

Me: Thank you baby. You're the BEST! I owe you home cooked nasi lemak for breakfast.

BEM: You don't owe me anything. I love you baby.

Me: I love you too.

My BEM is the sweetest :D

ENVY

I read a dear friend's blog with much delight. She's just given birth to a beautiful baby boy earlier this month. And I can tell she's embracing motherhood like a champ. I wonder what it feels like to carry a baby till full term, to hold your baby for the first time, knowing you would give your life for this little being.

But as much as I am happy for my friend, I can't help but feeling a bit envious. If things were ok (which clearly they're not), I would be 6 months preggar by now. The baby was supposed to be due in June. God! Sometimes, I feel so frustrated I don't even know how to vent it out. I stopped talking, watching or even looking at babies or anything that has got to do with them. That's how I defend myself most of the time. I learn to be indifferent about motherhood. It's not so difficult to do when I'm at work; I would let myself drown in the madness and pretend that my career defines who I am and I don't need another being to make me feel complete. But then, there'll be days like this... when I feel completely and utterly helpless. As I am typing this, I can feel pool of tears forming. I know what I have to do; recollect myself, wipe the tears, hold my head up high and pretend everything is A-OK.

ANOTHER DISAPPOINTMENT

It's not a good start to a short break. Been feeling quesy since last night and my hunch was spot on. I got my period this morning. Another month of disappointment.

After the miscarriage last November, things have been difficult, emotionally. Sometimes, I don't even know how to handle myself. I'm angry most of the time. And the fact that BEM is taking up a job that requires him to travel extensively DOES NOT help at all!

So here I am... struggling to get pregnant. And things ain't always pretty. Such is life....

WEATHER

My mood seems to run parallel with the weather. It's been cloudy all day...

Thank god tomorrow's a public holiday.

ALPHABETS, WORDS, SENTENCES

I once asked a friend, whose writings flow so effortlessly like cotton candy swirling around its stick, on her take to a good, interesting piece. Her answer is: write something that is close to your heart. And don't be too hard-up for BIG words. Keep the sentence structures simple for a start, but as you gradually identify your style, start to experiment and play with the many punctuations. Learn how each punctuation can be manipulated in order to get the desired effect in your composition.

That does NOT sound so bad, does it???

Truth be told, I find the first requisite to be the hardest. When I write, I want to maintain a certain level of objectivity and I can't seem to find this equilibrium when it comes to most matters that are close to my heart. The emotions start to run wild and everything becomes a bit too much: too much anger or too much love, too much sugar, salt or chilli. I'm like a hopeful chef dreaming of concocting the gobsmacking killer recipe with the right kind of balance and achieving "God" or "Goddess" status to the likes of Jamie Oliver, Anthony Bourdain, Nigella Lawson (seriously, she makes it look so easy to be sexy in the kitchen. I'm convinced it's not possible to imitate in real life. I tried. Didn't get the result I had hoped for. The chocolate sauce and honey jars were left intact and BEM was all the time in the living room, on his throne, eyes glued to the idiotbox. Heh).

Anyway, where were we? Yes, my objectivity...

Let's see how it'll progress. I intend to be more disciplined this time round and perhaps get my hands dirty with fiction. I will learn to take my time and hopefully the story will unfold itself. I need some inspirations.

Something completely random..."I never wish to be somebody else. I only wish to have their shoes".

WHAT'S WITH THE TRAFFIC JAM? IT'S ONLY THURSDAY...

So I’m messing with my blog when work is what I should be doing. I hope this is not one of my futile attempts at reviving my writing habit. The well dried up. It was barren. Not a single drop was left. Perhaps it’s true; creative juice only belongs to those tortured souls!?? Ok someone, spank me, please.

There are so many things running in my head, sometimes I find it hard to catch up with myself. It’s true and it frustrates me on most occasions. I can’t seem to articulate them in words the ways I wanted them to appear. As a result, they stayed in my head, like endless echoes. When I tried to pen them down, they always came out patchy, disconnected or sometimes…like a composition by someone who tries too hard to put her thoughts together (which is true!!).

I’m starting afresh and laying down some rules…only to be broken later.

The cacophony of horns piercing through my window from the traffic below suddenly becomes a bit too distracting. Now, where’s my caffeine fix?

The aroma of LavaZZa lingers from the pantry and finds its way to my room…

HELLOW...

Hiya! New home. New beginning?