ENVY

I read a dear friend's blog with much delight. She's just given birth to a beautiful baby boy earlier this month. And I can tell she's embracing motherhood like a champ. I wonder what it feels like to carry a baby till full term, to hold your baby for the first time, knowing you would give your life for this little being.

But as much as I am happy for my friend, I can't help but feeling a bit envious. If things were ok (which clearly they're not), I would be 6 months preggar by now. The baby was supposed to be due in June. God! Sometimes, I feel so frustrated I don't even know how to vent it out. I stopped talking, watching or even looking at babies or anything that has got to do with them. That's how I defend myself most of the time. I learn to be indifferent about motherhood. It's not so difficult to do when I'm at work; I would let myself drown in the madness and pretend that my career defines who I am and I don't need another being to make me feel complete. But then, there'll be days like this... when I feel completely and utterly helpless. As I am typing this, I can feel pool of tears forming. I know what I have to do; recollect myself, wipe the tears, hold my head up high and pretend everything is A-OK.