I'M MISSING YOU BOTH...

Mama misses daddy. Mama misses Tatija.

Daddy is in the Queen's Kingdom, managing a project. Tatija is in Kuantan with Wan and Tok Abah because mama refuses to hire a maid to take care of Tatija (mama is one PARANOID lady!) and those good day care centres only take toddlers of 18 months and above. So, until mama and daddy can find a possible solution, you will continue to be spoilt rotten by Wan, Tok Abah and all your uncles and aunties!

And where is mama? Mama is all alone, feeling miserable in KL. Mama's not there in Kuantan with you this weekend because my boss loves me so much and has ordered me to work the whole weekend. BUT, my weekend will start early next week. Yaay!

Mama can't wait to see you, princess. And we can skype (don't we love all these technologies?) with daddy who is missing you dearly too. The lovely summer weather does nothing to uplift daddy's spirit, it seems. Hhmmm... time for daddy to come home, don't you think so?

This was taken last week. Courtesy of Tatija's Pak Ngah.

And this was taken about a month ago. Those are definitely daddy's eyebrows :)

Mama's heart and soul. At GIMC to see good Dr. Adrian.

MOTHERHOOD

I must admit. I never really understood the meaning of sacrifice until Tatija came along. I never knew I could be selfless until I first held her in my arms.

Some time ago, if you ask me to make that long lonely drive every Friday after work and back on Sunday, I would have told you “Talk to the hand coz the ears ain’t listenin’”. And if you ask me to forego my minimum 8 hours sleep on weekends? I would’ve erased you eternally from my good book.

Reality is, come Friday morning, I am all giddy with excitement. By lunchtime, it is only my physical being that’s left in this godforsaken place. My mind would have had a head start and is already there with Tatija. And to be woken up at ungodly hours…only to be greeted with the sweetest of voice and smile from her? I say who needs 8 hours sleep on weekends, anyway.

There is a constantly overwhelming desire to protect this helpless little being. I don’t want any harm to even come near her. I can feel her pain; magnified a thousand times. Her slightest whimper breaks my heart to pieces. I fuss over her littlest needs, like my life depends on them and I put mine last.

She makes me ponder upon my own mortality. I’m not afraid of dying but I’m afraid to leave her. I’m afraid no one will love her as much as her mama loves her. I’m afraid I’m going to miss her…even in my death. To not ever see her again? It’s too excruciatingly painful to bear.

It’s bittersweet… this motherhood thingy.

FRIDAY AFTERNOON

It's from a limited edition collection. Only 500 were made. Price tag in Malaysia?? RM20,600! Hehehe... where can I find that much money to splurge? It's ok. I won't die if don't own it (trying to console myself here). I heart you Bottega Veneta!! *sobbing*

Imaginary friend (IM): Go ahead and cry Tun Teja. It's allright.
TT: People might think I'm shallow! Who cries for a bag?
IM: Many I'm sure, though most of them will cry in their closet.
TT: Hhmm... I don't think I want to cry in my closet. It's kinda small and I wouldn't be able to breath. Plus, I hate being in the dark.
IM:It's a metaphor, darling. why are you so shallow?
TT: UWAAAA!!!

Friday afternoon. The biggest challenge is to stay focus at work. My mind wonders to many places. Happy places, mind you. And I can't wait to hug and smother my little princess with kisses!


*Link to the picture of the above limited object is here.

I love waking up to these...

WEEKEND MOTHER

Tatija lives with her grandparents, my parents, some 2 hundred kilometres away from KL. We drive up to my parents’ every Friday after work. Sometimes, when BEM has work to do or if he needs to see his parents instead, I’ll drive solo.

So, I am a weekend mother. And my heart breaks into million pieces every Sunday evening before I start my long journey back to the city.

It’s a tough decision on our part. The other options are either to take a live-in maid or send her to a daycare centre. BEM and I have this issue with the former. We’ve experienced enough problems with various maids. It’s going to be like having a second baby. Also, I don’t trust maids to take care of my daughter. The latter is our preferred solution. However, the problem lies with finding the right daycare centre. I want to place Tatija in a professionally managed centre. I want to have the comfort of knowing that she is in the hands of those who are trained to look after babies and toddlers. But these places are hard to come by. I’ve visited a few and been disappointed with all. The good ones are either full or they only take toddlers of 18 months and above. So, I'm stuck.

In the end, I am left with no choice but to send my little one to her grandparents. They are more than happy to have her around. Being the first grandchild and long awaited one, my parents dote on her.

I find myself frequently wishing I can quit my job for a few years and become a stay-at-home-mom. But, I can’t afford to do so. There are responsibilities and obligations. Well, such is life. We can’t have everything, can we? At least I know Tatija is well taken care of and it is only a temporary measure until we find a suitable place for her. I pray we’ll find the place. Soon.

Mama misses you, Tatija!